Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
