I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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