EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
This is the high leading the old right now
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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