The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
