just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
