ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
