Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
