my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
