you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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