so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
