Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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