i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
