wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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