He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Fuck appropriateness.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
