he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize