Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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