so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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