He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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