Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
