im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
