You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
