You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
