based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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