I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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