who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
