Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
