so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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