you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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