so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You ruined the universe
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
