ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
