I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
