he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
