I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
