I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just want to make out with him forever
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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