Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
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I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
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Booty calls should never involve the cops.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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