I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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