the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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