I heard we made out
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
