it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
