I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
