Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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