I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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