How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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