i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
