how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
