Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
