I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
