The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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