How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
