this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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