Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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