did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
