I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
